Luscious Laos...

I just cannot tell you how much fun Pea and I have been having since we arrived in Laos. It has completley exceeded all our expectations and we have suprised ourselves at the amount of people weve been meeting and the hours we have danced on our worn out toots.
The tubing was magic in Vang Vien and far more than I expected it to be. It involves bars and bars aligned on a riverside raised on stilts and covered in young people dancing, singing and inebriating themselves a bit whilst watching those flying through the air on zip wires and off petrifyingly high platforms! Oh and you can hire a rubber ring to slowly drift you down the river however the entire tubing population recline at the first bar making this utterly pointless and relatively lonely. (NB Take note if you are heading there)

Emma, I and our three new soul mates arrived at the first bar unfashionably late, wearing far too many clothes for the blistering heat and looking far too ladylike for the occasion. I described the feeling as like when you arrive at a cocktail party scanning the room to find you are both wearing the wrong thing and realise you know not a soul in the room. Tragic I know, but only my style and thankfully Ive got used to laughing at it by now. However within a few mini seconds, we had been thrown into the water thrust a headband on and written over in endless permanent markers, feeling finally part of the heaving crowd.

We were positively tatooed from head to toe in expletives which arent fit for the midge's ears let alone mine and had to let all our inibitions go for the few hours we were there. One poor slightly drunken girl had been pinned down and had 'free squeeze' scrawled across her bare chest. This led to her being harassed incessantly for the next few hours, having her lady lumps played like bongo's and handled like playdo by queuing drooling males. Meanwhile we shook our booties like beyonce and grabbed every poor lingering soul for a cheeky dance. Luckily we had a fine technique of also rescuing eachother from the drunks, one who in order to chat our sexy Pea up claimed he hadnt been sober for the last 35 days! What a devil..

We then swang on the zip wires ressembling trapeze artists and jumped from petrifying heights trying our upmost not to appear even the tiniest bit shaky. Luckily my upper body strength just held up and I didnt proceed in belly flopping or the entirity of my bikini coming down in front of the frightening audience so I was ecstatic. Well worth a try I promise you.
The evenings also required our dancing shoes and a lot of stamina to last until the early hours of the morning. These nights we spent around a blazing bonfire boogying on raised bamboo made dance floors and reclining in the hammocks when our feet could tap no more. It was magic.

The only unfortunate aquaintance was a small Chilean boy who charmed me off my feet, it was all going swimmingly until I moronically told him I was longing to learn how to salsa. This was just a sly comment not meant for any direct repercussions, but the next minute I was being swung and thrown around knocking over spaced morons in the process, to music so inappropriate for this latino movement it positively infruriated me. I remained patient until I could take it no more, grabbing Pea we wandered back. However so too did this midget who persisted in poking various parts of my blubber on our return. Both puzzled, humiliated and turning an unattractive shade of ROUGE I was conjuring up a plan of shrugging him off. When we returned though he grabbed my wrist in a policeman arresting fashion and lunged to slobber on my forehead. I dodged, ran up the frightening steep steps to our room and fled leaving him to work out where he drastically messed up.
Apart from that though we met a group of cheeky chileans, two british nottingham lads,a columbian lunatic and a friendly newton faulkner double. Not to mention the verbal vomiting Canadian, two greasy long haired dishy dutchmen and one raving lesbian making it a most ecclectic entourage.

We left this mad surreal town, deflated but looking forward to Luang Probang. The beautiful city in which we are so luckily staying this moment. We have not picked the short straw this time and have currently become part of a Laotian family. The hotel owner we refer to as mama, an ADORABLE cross eyed lady who adorns us with endless free bananas and coffee. Her house a sweet french looking cottage is nestled quaintly next to even more stunning hotels and she hardly asks for a penny.
Today we went to experience the real Lao, renting bikes and exploring local villages ourselves. This including me plunging into a river in something similar to a Burqa (obviously not a personal choice, but to respect their moral code) to be surrounded by a hoard of young naked vietnamese chubby, smiling and splashing boys. It was heaven on earth and we sat skimming stones, playing poo sticks over a stunning wooden bridge and listening to music all afternoon. Elated, we hadnt fallen into the trap of booking an extortionate guide to tour us aroud the fields followed by a long line of elderly tourists and never wanting to leave.

So one more day here and then the following day we pack our bags and head for Thailand, believe it or not, with our three other sweet companions glued to the hip. As my gordie sis would say 'CANNY WAIT!'. Will write again as soon as I can. Love to each and everyone of you.

Biggus kissus xxx

I must apologise profusely for my lazy behaviour in regards to this blog. Its obviously a lifeline for a lot of you back home, and as I know you have nothing better to do with your free time it was unfairly selfish and unthoughtful of me. However, on the other hand you could look at it like this - the fact I have not been blogging on a weekly basis glued to the keyboard like a leech can only be a positive. This would only lead you to imagine I was having the most dreadful of gap year's and I am glad to report back that this could not be far from the reality of it.

I am currently in Sapa. The most breathtakingly beautiful place I have ever seen. It is a luscious green wilderness in the heart of the north vietnamese mountains. No ordinary setting I tell you, wherever you turn your head you cannot miss the flamboyantly dressed villagers bumbling down the streets. They are the most awesome of sights, the women in particular have the most extraordinarily tough skin. Irrelevant of the fact they have goods to sell hanging off every orophis of their ailing bodies, the eldery still seem to maintain their sagging skin. Their earlobes are loosely hanging on for dear life weakened by the copious amounts of jewellry strung through them. They wear embroidered garments from head to toe and look fit for a carnival every single day, although magically this is their normal gladrags and nobody seems to throw out an alternative and go against the flow. So at times it is impossible to differentiate between them!

I made a special friend moments into our arrival at 5 am this morning. As she embarked the long flight of stairs in order to bamboozle Pea and I with goods, I saw her puggish face, wrinkled to the core and her smile revealed the most haphazard alignment of gnashers I immediatley knew she was a beauty. I admired her memorabilia and conversed with her through scrunching my face in a similar manner and giggling along with her, with no other means of communicating. This is something I can quite confidently say I have mastered, the art of overcoming a potentially awkward situation by smiling, giggling or repeating back to them what they have just barked in my face in a relatively similar tone. This can suprisingly establish the most magical of relationships I promise.

Anyway, Pea and I were on form even at dusk and within an hour had arranged a moto trip for the day and a two day trek and homestay for tomorrow and the following day. I have learnt a quick decision is quintessential to maintain a calm and patient state of mind, dithering is infact abhorrent.
Now, our motorbike driver would have been the perfect companion if only he didnt ressemble Edward Scissorhands, as a result of the most repugnantly long fingernails he modelled on both hands. If truth be told, I have become aphobic to such behaviour and immediatley gives me the shivers. Something I have decided could be compared with the reaction of an aracnaphobic confronted with a daddy long legs, their disgustingly long limbs as frightening as these nails clawing in our every direction. The men here unfortunatley regard this as a fashion statement and something meant to lure the vietnamese ladies in, whilst making us British youths run a marathon in the opposite direction.
He began driving painfully slowly, refusing to even use petrol as we glided pathetically down the hills. Whilst booking this I had envisaged an adventure not far from that which is depicted in the Motorcycle Diaries, whizzed through the air, our hair blowing blissfully in the wind and the adrenaline pumping throughout the entirity of our bodies. Instead I was having to resort to nudging the poor man to put his blummin' foot down and fly us through the air. A regrettable move we learnt moments later as he turned into a raving lunatic, speeding whilst forgetting to contemplate all blind corners, gulfs in the road and the snorting pigs lining the paths. We were full of fear for our lives and I could hardly see the landscape (as I couldnt help furrowing in the back of his jumper to avoid recieving hefty chunks of the road or dust in my eyeballs) let alone appreciate it.

Luckily on the way down the mountains however we witnessed the stunning reality of Sapa. The never ending rice paddies, buffallo irrigating the ladn. The men and women bent low amongst the reads, some even supporting babies on their backs. This is the sweetest site imaginable, the midges wrap themselves around and around in material until they can successfully create a cocoon for their offspring to nest in whilst they work the land. Their babies seem never to touch the ground and blissfully they see the entirity of the world through a gap in the threading. An existence I would die for. Babies are everywhere, and our moto guide was on strict rules to stop the engine (if he bothered to run it) in order for us to snap as many pudgy, balls of baby blubber as humanly possible. I cannot wait to show you all the photo's, fit to make the most reluctant of mothers dangerously brooooooody.

Now, in order to assure I will not lose one of my three loyal blogging followers, I will end this entry here to avoid exruciating boredom. But if the main purpose of this travelling blog is to translate to those on the other end of this rotting computer that I am both safe and well. If ony this has been achieved that's enough, as I feel high spirited, well rested and positively humming with excitement for tomorrow and after the trekking our expedition to Laos.

Missing you all keep me posted on your news too xxxxxxxxxxx